challanges

This is an email i wrote to a friend in February..  putting it here so i can look back at how the Lord is faithfully bringing me through the challanges of our adoption process

So, as we have discussed before, i have been struggling with how all of  this money is going to come together.  the other night, i was having trouble falling asleep so was praying off and on, arguing/discussing/pleading/whining with the Lord about adoption money.  i finally fell asleep only to wake up again later in the night.  i started praying again and realized that even though i wasnt physically working, i was striving to earn this money without seeking the Lord's plan or asking His permission.  so, i confessed and asked for forgiveness.  since then, i have been asking the Lord what we are supposed to do, how this money is going to get paid for, etc.  i confess, i havent been reading the word the past few days - today, finally, i couldnt take it any longer.  the baseball bat upside the head finally was giving me a headache -ha!  i like to dig my heels in, apparently.
i opened up the parenting plan on my Bible app and it was titled "trusting God part 2".  so, i went back to yesterday's part 1 - it talks about how God will work through trials in ways that will astonish, ways that you would not believe it you were told.  scriptures were romans 11:33 - oh the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  how unsearchable are his judgements and how unfathomable his ways.  And Habakkuk 1:5 - "look among the nations and watch - be utterly astounded! for I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you."  there is destruction happening (or going to happen) to Judea in this chapter and the Lord is telling Habakkuk what will be going down. 
after reading this, i again asked what am i supposed to do, Lord?  how are we supposed to go about this?  am i supposed to do anything?
part2:  this day talks about God having a plan and we have to trust him (duh - sometimes i am really dense though).  Habakkuk found a way to trust and rejoice in the Lord even though destruction was coming (really, Lord? am I going to be destroyed?  i hope not...).  God's ways are impossible to fully understand.  our job is to wait quietly and let the Lord's will be done.  here are the verses:  Psm 46:10 - "be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth!" the other is Habakkuk 3:17-18 - "Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls - yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation."
what is ridiculous is that it took me reading through all of these verses, having more questions asked, to typing this, for me to see the part about waiting quietly and being still.....  i dont know what that is supposed to look like - am i supposed to give all responsibility to eman for planning/filling out grant apps/fundraising/etc?  i dont know.  am i supposed to do absolutely nothing and just pray?  probably.  gah!!!  this is my but, God moment - except it is me arguing.  seriously, that is physically painful for me not to think, scheme, plan and execute!  especially when it looks to me like eman is doing nothing.  of course, i have no idea what is going on in his private prayer life.  i can only pray that the Lord is nudging his heart to be praying too.  we pray together sometimes, but clearly we need to be doing it WAY more often - seeking the Lord's plan together.  right now, it feels like we are floating side by side, tethered loosely.  tomorrow, while the boys are in class, i am hoping to get coffee with my hub, and walk together, talk together and pray together.  will you be praying for us?  i want the HS to be moving in our hearts, reuniting and joining us together - 3 stranded cord is not easily broken.

I just read through all of Hab 3 - the Lord is mighty and powerful!  He does crazy things and the earth trembles - how am i still worried about money being provided?!  Father God, forgive my unbelief!  Please help me to be still and wait on You!  Reunite me with my beloved - make us a 3 strand cord with You - woven so tightly we would be like 1.
Hab 3:18-19: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the the God of my salvation.  THe Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills.