there are days when i am just overwhelmed with love for my kids and today is one of them. they have not done anything particularly special or sweet. they have just been their normal, happy selves. and, i just love them. my heart feels like it could bust right open and little heart confetti would spill out all over the place. thank you, Lord, for my boys!
on a completely different note, here are some excerpts that have really been speaking to my heart from the book i am reading - 1000 gifts by ann voskamp:
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in the God; trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV). I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms. Trust, its the antithesis of stress. "Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord" (Psalm 40:4. But how to learn trust like that? Can tryst be conjured up simply by sheer will, on command? I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust, to gut-believe in the good touch of God toward me, because its true: I cant fill with joy until I learn how to trust: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow" (Romans 15;13 NIV). The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace.
If I believe, then I must let go and trust. Why do I stress? Belief in God has to be more than mental assent, more than a cliched exercise in cognition. Even the demons believe (James 2:19). What is saving belief if it isn't the radical dare to wholly trust?
Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment, without an active, moment-by-moment trust in the good news of an all-sovereign, all-good God, how can we claim to fully believe? This is the trust I lack: to know that if disaster strikes, He carries me even there. Trust in the wholeness of the gospel - including this moment, good news too - and be saved. Choose stress, worry, anxiety, reject what God has given now, which is good news too - refuse to trust - and be condemned.
If authentic, saving belief is the act of trusting, then to choose stress is an act of disbelief ... atheism. Anything less than gratitude and trust is practical atheism.
If I deep trusted God in all the facets of my life, wouldn't that deep heal my anxiety, my self-condemnation, my soul holes?
The fear is suffocating, terrorizing, and I want the remedy, and it is trust. Trust is everything.
If fear keeps our lives small, does a life that receives all of God in this moment grow large too?
This book is really good - If you ha vent read it, you should. The end.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
money
Eman and I are trying to tidy up our finances in anticipation of our family growing and the economy worsening. So, in Dave Ramsey form, we are selling stuff to get rid of debt. On a bit of a whim, we decided to put my sweet lil Honda Civic on CL Friday. We had a call on it within an hour. A deal was made and the car was sold by the next morning! Neither of us were thinking it would go away so quickly, but it did. We have our truck also on CL, hoping it will sell too. We owe a chunk on it and are ready to be done with car payments. So, now we are in the process of looking for a larger vehicle that will fit our growing family and hoping that we can pay cash for it. We have a prospect in an older burb that has a ton of miles on it but we would have $ left over to use on other bills - Eman is nervous about this vehicle though. He really wants to buy a different vehicle that would take all of our $ plus a bit.. I am thinking lets wait a little bit longer and not be in a rush. Anyone of you few readers know of a vehicle that will get us over the mountain passes and will fit a family of 5 (sometimes 6 when I have Ellie) plus all of our stuff? I am totally open to a reliable mini.. Blah.
On another note, we had a fundraiser today selling Kettle Korn at Wally World. Eman and I stayed pretty busy all day long. We had a couple of guys show up to help us out, which was SO nice! But, I was pleasantly surprised at how fast the day went by. I had sent a prayer request out to a couple of gals that God would grant Eman and I big bladders and He totally did. We both got a food/potty break when our first helper came mid morning - interestingly, I wasnt hungry all day. I ate around lunch time just because I knew I should, not because I wanted to eat. I didnt even finish my sandwich. Our second helper came about 15-20 minutes after Eman texted me that he needed to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. Eman came and gave me a break before heading home to let our dog out to take a break. When we were all finished and I climbed into the truck, was when my tummy told me that I was hungry and tired. I am so thankful that my Lord helped me out with all of the necessaries!
I had several people come by that had either adopted (from china), been adopted or had family members that had adopted. One older lady told me about her trips to China that her son had taken her on when the son went to pick up children. Another mom told me that she had adopted 4 kids from China, bought a bag of popcorn and then sent her kids back to me with a donation! I almost started crying in front of the kids but held it together until they had gone back to the car. And, of course, I had a couple of people ask me - why China? why not here? Both times I got to tell them that we felt like God was telling us to adopt from China. Neither of these people really wanted to go further on that topic, but did continue to talk to me about the good of adopting from the US and their experiences. ;) Another gal, asked me what my name was because she while she wasnt able to give me any money she did want to pray for me. I told her my name and said that prayer was just as important, if not more, as money. She didnt know if she agreed with prayer being more important than money though. I told her that it was - we are supposed to be in prayer for everything which includes asking the Lord to provide for our needs in this adoption (among everything else). She mentioned something about Isaiah 11, but I am not really sure what she meant. I have read the verses and they are referring to end times stuff, I think - but, the first four verses are pretty cool, talking about the Spirit of the Lord - the Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel and might, knowledge and fear of the Lord. All of these things are what Eman and I need and I pray that the Lord will give us these as we make decisions on what to do with our $..
Thank you Lord, for taking care of us today!
On another note, we had a fundraiser today selling Kettle Korn at Wally World. Eman and I stayed pretty busy all day long. We had a couple of guys show up to help us out, which was SO nice! But, I was pleasantly surprised at how fast the day went by. I had sent a prayer request out to a couple of gals that God would grant Eman and I big bladders and He totally did. We both got a food/potty break when our first helper came mid morning - interestingly, I wasnt hungry all day. I ate around lunch time just because I knew I should, not because I wanted to eat. I didnt even finish my sandwich. Our second helper came about 15-20 minutes after Eman texted me that he needed to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. Eman came and gave me a break before heading home to let our dog out to take a break. When we were all finished and I climbed into the truck, was when my tummy told me that I was hungry and tired. I am so thankful that my Lord helped me out with all of the necessaries!
I had several people come by that had either adopted (from china), been adopted or had family members that had adopted. One older lady told me about her trips to China that her son had taken her on when the son went to pick up children. Another mom told me that she had adopted 4 kids from China, bought a bag of popcorn and then sent her kids back to me with a donation! I almost started crying in front of the kids but held it together until they had gone back to the car. And, of course, I had a couple of people ask me - why China? why not here? Both times I got to tell them that we felt like God was telling us to adopt from China. Neither of these people really wanted to go further on that topic, but did continue to talk to me about the good of adopting from the US and their experiences. ;) Another gal, asked me what my name was because she while she wasnt able to give me any money she did want to pray for me. I told her my name and said that prayer was just as important, if not more, as money. She didnt know if she agreed with prayer being more important than money though. I told her that it was - we are supposed to be in prayer for everything which includes asking the Lord to provide for our needs in this adoption (among everything else). She mentioned something about Isaiah 11, but I am not really sure what she meant. I have read the verses and they are referring to end times stuff, I think - but, the first four verses are pretty cool, talking about the Spirit of the Lord - the Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel and might, knowledge and fear of the Lord. All of these things are what Eman and I need and I pray that the Lord will give us these as we make decisions on what to do with our $..
Thank you Lord, for taking care of us today!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
part 2
after having a cry and a "why, God?" session, i tried to settle down on the couch to watch the gladiator - great movie, but just couldnt do it. i turned off the tv and instead started to read 1000 gifts. she has been talking about hardship and grief in this chapter. She references Deut 32:39 and it has been salve on my heart today.. "See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal"
She later references part of Lamentations 3:33. I wanted to read the whole verse and ended up reading the whole chapter. The first part of the chapter Jeremiah is complaining that the Lord has shut him down and is not even hearing his prayers, but in vs 11, he says,"He has turned me off my ways and pulled me in pieces; He has made me desolate." Jesus has taken him (me) off his intended path and broken him (me) down to see that he (I) is nothing without Jesus. Because we are so stubborn, we have to be desolate before we can recognize our need. Verses 12 & 13 say: He has bent His bow and set me as a mark for the arrow. He has caused the arrows of His quiver to enter into my heart. God has a plan for me! He wants His will to become my own - to replace the thoughts, desires and plans that are in my heart with His! They are infinitely better, even if painful to start. Verses 21 - 23: But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation: It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. (Thank Goodness!) I just need to remember these next verses. 24 - 33: The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being; therefore will I hope in His and wait expectantly for Him. The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him. It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent (in hope), because God has laid the yoke upon him. Let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who smites him; let him be filled with reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever! But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving kindness and tender mercy. For He does not willingly and from His heart afflict or grieve the children of men.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are faithful and that you have amazing things planned out for my life!
She later references part of Lamentations 3:33. I wanted to read the whole verse and ended up reading the whole chapter. The first part of the chapter Jeremiah is complaining that the Lord has shut him down and is not even hearing his prayers, but in vs 11, he says,"He has turned me off my ways and pulled me in pieces; He has made me desolate." Jesus has taken him (me) off his intended path and broken him (me) down to see that he (I) is nothing without Jesus. Because we are so stubborn, we have to be desolate before we can recognize our need. Verses 12 & 13 say: He has bent His bow and set me as a mark for the arrow. He has caused the arrows of His quiver to enter into my heart. God has a plan for me! He wants His will to become my own - to replace the thoughts, desires and plans that are in my heart with His! They are infinitely better, even if painful to start. Verses 21 - 23: But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation: It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. (Thank Goodness!) I just need to remember these next verses. 24 - 33: The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being; therefore will I hope in His and wait expectantly for Him. The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him. It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent (in hope), because God has laid the yoke upon him. Let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who smites him; let him be filled with reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever! But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving kindness and tender mercy. For He does not willingly and from His heart afflict or grieve the children of men.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are faithful and that you have amazing things planned out for my life!
I am really struggling this afternoon with our decision about jie.. my heart is really hurting for him. are we really supposed to leave him in china and not bring him home? i dont think this heart break is right. am i hurting today because he really is our son and i am mourning his loss? am i hurting because we made a decision in our flesh but we are really supposed to stay the course? did we make the right decision? i dont know. i need confirmation, Lord! i need your arms of comfort cause this really sucks. i desperately want the dr to be wrong in her diagnosis. i want to go get him and find that while he is very delayed, with time, he will grow and recover, if not wholly then significantly.
i dont want to work hard for eman to get his bmi to where china deems it an appropriate number. am i working in my strength, Lord, and not trusting you? it feels like it right now - everything just feels hard. i need your strength. i need your guidance and direction. i feel like i am floundering right now and it is really scary. i want to run away and not do this anymore. it hurts too much. it is too hard. i dont like it, Lord. Please, Jesus, scoop me up and hold me close cause i cant do it on my own...
i dont want to work hard for eman to get his bmi to where china deems it an appropriate number. am i working in my strength, Lord, and not trusting you? it feels like it right now - everything just feels hard. i need your strength. i need your guidance and direction. i feel like i am floundering right now and it is really scary. i want to run away and not do this anymore. it hurts too much. it is too hard. i dont like it, Lord. Please, Jesus, scoop me up and hold me close cause i cant do it on my own...
Saturday, August 4, 2012
so quiet...
Today is Eman's first official day working on his new squad. I am excited to have him home and to hear how his day went. I have also been praying off and on that he would learn quickly how to deal with jail life all over again. He will be working the day shift for a few weeks so will need to learn at a pretty fast pace. His squad will switch to nights at the end of the month (which is gonna stink) which will allow him to review and cement what he has learned at a much slower pace.
The boys slept over with Grandpa and Granny last night and are still there now - It is SO quiet here! I love having my boys home, listening to their play and conversations. Dont get me wrong, I have enjoyed the time here at home by myself, but I am ready for them to be home. :) And really, it is not quiet because I have pandora blasting worship music in the background.
I got to stay in bed this morning until 10, reading my bible and drinking coffee. It was nice to read without interuptions. I havent gotten much more than the kitchen cleaned in the past hour either.. Feeling a little bit lazy.
I was talking with my friend the other day about raising our kids as Christian homeschoolers vs public school students. We are both thankful to be able to have control over our children's friendships and learning. I was raised in an environment similar to what my kids are in now (minus homeschool) and now tend to struggle connecting my head knowledge of Christ and what He has done for me with my heart. I had a good life growing up, never needing or having hard ship. My parents were good at keeping any of their struggles shielded from us. On the one hand, I think that what they did is good, but on the other hand, I think it was a bit of a disservice to us kids. Without seeing my parents struggle and trust the Lord to provide for us as a family, made the habit in my head of also not trusting the Lord to provide in the day to day. I am not sure how to break that habit and allow my boys to see it. Is it really as easy as just praying daily with them and asking the Lord to help us to trust Him to provide?
I know it is important to not shield our boys from the realities of the world, allowing what they can handle/process. But, do they need to be IN the world to see those realities? Can they not look from the outside and see the consequences of decisions to not live for Jesus? They are getting a small taste walking through the adoption with us, by seeing people pan handle on the street (this breaks John's heart - he just doesnt understand why they would choose to live that way!) and knowing about jail life through talking with Daddy about jail/inmates.
I read Proverbs 4 today and it talked about listening to our parents wisdom, to seek out Godly wisdom - vs 4 He taught me and said to me, Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live. vs 5 Get skillful and Godly Wisdom, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation); do not forget and do not turn back from the words of my mouth.. This whole chapter is my prayer for not only myself but also for my boys. Is there any way that they can hold onto Your truths, Lord, without having to taste the world personally, to just skip the prodigal son experience?
Teach me how to live my struggles out loud and in front of my boys. Help me not to be private with them, to shove them down in order to forget about them. Let me (and Eman) be an example of how to live our lives on fire for You even when there is nothing left to burn. Let us not deny You in fear, like Peter. Give us courage to live openly and publicly. I pray our boys do the same!
The boys slept over with Grandpa and Granny last night and are still there now - It is SO quiet here! I love having my boys home, listening to their play and conversations. Dont get me wrong, I have enjoyed the time here at home by myself, but I am ready for them to be home. :) And really, it is not quiet because I have pandora blasting worship music in the background.
I got to stay in bed this morning until 10, reading my bible and drinking coffee. It was nice to read without interuptions. I havent gotten much more than the kitchen cleaned in the past hour either.. Feeling a little bit lazy.
I was talking with my friend the other day about raising our kids as Christian homeschoolers vs public school students. We are both thankful to be able to have control over our children's friendships and learning. I was raised in an environment similar to what my kids are in now (minus homeschool) and now tend to struggle connecting my head knowledge of Christ and what He has done for me with my heart. I had a good life growing up, never needing or having hard ship. My parents were good at keeping any of their struggles shielded from us. On the one hand, I think that what they did is good, but on the other hand, I think it was a bit of a disservice to us kids. Without seeing my parents struggle and trust the Lord to provide for us as a family, made the habit in my head of also not trusting the Lord to provide in the day to day. I am not sure how to break that habit and allow my boys to see it. Is it really as easy as just praying daily with them and asking the Lord to help us to trust Him to provide?
I know it is important to not shield our boys from the realities of the world, allowing what they can handle/process. But, do they need to be IN the world to see those realities? Can they not look from the outside and see the consequences of decisions to not live for Jesus? They are getting a small taste walking through the adoption with us, by seeing people pan handle on the street (this breaks John's heart - he just doesnt understand why they would choose to live that way!) and knowing about jail life through talking with Daddy about jail/inmates.
I read Proverbs 4 today and it talked about listening to our parents wisdom, to seek out Godly wisdom - vs 4 He taught me and said to me, Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live. vs 5 Get skillful and Godly Wisdom, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation); do not forget and do not turn back from the words of my mouth.. This whole chapter is my prayer for not only myself but also for my boys. Is there any way that they can hold onto Your truths, Lord, without having to taste the world personally, to just skip the prodigal son experience?
Teach me how to live my struggles out loud and in front of my boys. Help me not to be private with them, to shove them down in order to forget about them. Let me (and Eman) be an example of how to live our lives on fire for You even when there is nothing left to burn. Let us not deny You in fear, like Peter. Give us courage to live openly and publicly. I pray our boys do the same!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Jacob's 5th birthday weekend
I had planned a little surprise party for mister Jacob. John and I went ahead to meet the friends while Jake was blindfolded and rode with Daddy. The boys hid in anticipation of yelling SURPRISE!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
a new school year is almost here!
July is almost over and I am getting myself organized and geared up to start our new school year! I am currently printing out some calender pages for the boys to do daily math skills. I know that they will be annoyed some days to do this, but unfortunately, school is not always fun. John will be starting 2nd grade stuff and Jake will be starting kinder! Eek! It is bitter sweet to think my baby is going to be in school! Granted, they will both still be at home since we school here, but still! My plan is to do unit type studies where they will both be learning the same thing, together. We are using Apologia Astronomy for science, The story of the World, Ancient Times for history, Time for Reading/Spelling for English (these will be skill level appropriate), Math U See for math (again, skill level appropriate) and for art. we are going to be learning about 8 different artists from a cool curriculum written by the author of Confessions of a Homeschooler. I follow her blog, if you want to check her out. Also, the calendar stuff was printed from the aussie homeschool blog that I follow as well.
I am so thankful that the Lord creates an excitement in my heart to school my boys! I love getting different ideas and collaborating with other moms to make things fun for the kids. It is so good to have the encouragement from each other. There are a few families that will be doing the Astronomy curriculum and I am excited to do group projects. We participated with 3 other families last year to do Geography and the boys LOVED it! Any excuse to get together and play, right?!
The Lord has been working on my heart telling me to get more focused on teaching the Bible to my boys. I know I blogged about this a while back, but have to confess that I have been ignoring the Lord.. He again convicted me last night about getting the boys into the Bible and then convicted me about not obeying the first time. Please forgive me Lord! Change my heart and move my focus back onto You and Your plan for my life and my family.
I felt like the best place to start was with the ten commandments. As I was going through my school stuff, I found that I had already printed out the 10 commandments and am all ready to go! Now, I just need to pull it out, read the story to the boys and GET ON IT!!! Amazingly, I dont know that I could list all 10 and definitely not in order.. So, this will be a lesson for me - arent they all, though? We think we are teaching our kids, but the Lord is faithful to teach us at the same time.
On that note, I have hungry kids...
I am so thankful that the Lord creates an excitement in my heart to school my boys! I love getting different ideas and collaborating with other moms to make things fun for the kids. It is so good to have the encouragement from each other. There are a few families that will be doing the Astronomy curriculum and I am excited to do group projects. We participated with 3 other families last year to do Geography and the boys LOVED it! Any excuse to get together and play, right?!
The Lord has been working on my heart telling me to get more focused on teaching the Bible to my boys. I know I blogged about this a while back, but have to confess that I have been ignoring the Lord.. He again convicted me last night about getting the boys into the Bible and then convicted me about not obeying the first time. Please forgive me Lord! Change my heart and move my focus back onto You and Your plan for my life and my family.
I felt like the best place to start was with the ten commandments. As I was going through my school stuff, I found that I had already printed out the 10 commandments and am all ready to go! Now, I just need to pull it out, read the story to the boys and GET ON IT!!! Amazingly, I dont know that I could list all 10 and definitely not in order.. So, this will be a lesson for me - arent they all, though? We think we are teaching our kids, but the Lord is faithful to teach us at the same time.
On that note, I have hungry kids...
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