one more step closer..

i was trying to figure out how to put a time line on here, but it didnt immediately jump out at me, so i will have to do this the old fashion way and just record it here.  i got an email from my agency - our homestudy was finalized (finally!) and sent out with our I-800a on January 4!  i was told that i should receive a receipt back within a couple of weeks.  i think we will then be given an appointment to get fingerprints.  in the meantime, i need to finish gathering our dossier documents.  all we need is more passport pictures, as well as double checking on eman's medical form (apparently the dr didnt fill it out all the way. annoying.), and our payments.

Jesus is the sweetest name I know

My dad shared my grandma's last words during his eulogy.  At the last nurse visit, grandma was roused from sleep.  She turned to look at the nurse and in a very weak voice, she told the nurse, "Jesus is the sweetest name I know."  This is a perfect testimony of who Grandma was and what was most important to her.  I had several older women come up to me at the reception and tell me how much they loved my grandma, what a neat woman she was.  I know all of these things, but really wish that I had known her in this manner during this period of my life.  I wish I had been able to talk about Jesus with her - I know she had a wealth of experience and wisdom to share.  I wish that I had taken the opportunity to sit in her room and read scripture to her and with her.  Honestly, I never thought about it until I was on my way home from visiting in November.  It makes me sad that the idea never crossed my mind - that I have allowed myself to settle into a place of keeping my faith and relationship with Jesus to myself while I am at my mom and dad's house.  Please give me courage, Heavenly Father, to be purposeful in living my life for You in front of my parents and siblings.  Give me grace and mercy for them - let me be salt and light in their day.  Give me a sweet aroma to them, that my decisions and countenance would point to You.  Give me answers to their questions and opinions. 

I was nervous to head over there, to be surrounded by family that likes to ask questions, to know what is going on in all aspects of life.  I was nervous to talk about our choice to adopt, because that decision goes back to our desire to obey the Lord.  This lifestyle is not understood or agreed on by some of my family.  My visit was covered by prayer, though and these conversations went way better than I had expected.  I think that there are some things, ideas, assumptions that I need to get over too.  Lord, forgive me for putting my fears onto my ideas of my family..  There were lots of questions, but conversations were supportive and encouraging.  I suppose, for my immediate family, they just needed to get used to the idea, to talk things out with me in order to have a better understanding of what we are doing and why.  My sweet boys talked a lot about their little sister in China.  My boys are well loved by the family - I think their excitement and love for their Naomi softened a lot of hearts.  Thank you, Jesus, for my sweet boys.  Please continue to grow their love and excitement.  Please continue to soften my families' hearts toward little Naomi - grow a love in their hearts, too, for this little girl.

After the funeral, we gathered as an extended family to celebrate Grandma's life.  My mom and dad brought the remainder of Grandma's things.  One of these things was her Bible.  I got to look through it before the funeral while we finalizing details.  It was totally falling apart - again a testimony of what had the highest value in Grandma's life.  There were a bunch of verses underlined, notes in the margins, etc.  I had wanted to take it home, but another family member got it.  While I love the convenience of the Bible app on my phone, there is just something about thumbing through the Bible - allowing it to open to a certain passage, etc.  My book has been put away for a while as I have mainly been using the app - I need to pull it back out.  Seeing Grandma's was confirmation of what the Lord had been whispering to my heart for the past week or so previous to going over the mountains.  I love receiving those confirmations..

Grandma's last words are also the title to an old time hymn.  Here are the lyrics:

1. There have been names that I have loved to hear,
   But never has there been a name so dear
   To this heart of mine, as the name divine,
   The precious, precious name of Jesus.
   • Refrain:
     Jesus is the sweetest name I know,
     And He’s just the same as His lovely name,
     And that’s the reason why I love Him so;
     Oh, Jesus is the sweetest name I know.
2. There is no name in earth or Heav’n above,
   That we should give such honor and such love
   As the blessed name, let us all acclaim,
   That wondrous, glorious name of Jesus.
3. And someday I shall see Him face to face
   To thank and praise Him for His wondrous grace,
   Which He gave to me, when He made me free,
   The blessed Son of God called Jesus.

soon, but not soon enough...

i had a dream last night about naomi.  i dreamed that i was at some place similar to our church's ranch property to pick up naomi.  she was there with a bunch of kids and moms hanging out.  i saw her across the room and called to her.  she looked up, and started to crawl to me.  i scooped her up and held her so tight and she squeezed me back.  i knew i was dreaming and woke up enough to realize that i was holding onto something in bed - pillow, blanket, something.  i went back to sleep and into my dream.  eman showed up and i pointed to him, telling naomi, "look! its baba!"  she lit up like our lovely children do when they see their daddy and said, "baba!"  i didnt want to wake up, even though i knew it was a dream..  soon, my love, you will get to meet your baba!

i met a gal the other day on facebook that has a little guy in the same orphanage as naomi.  she was telling me, in an email, about the circumstances of her child and how she was able to get some photos of him as well as some of the other kids at his orphanage from a woman from the netherlands.  this woman runs a foundation/foster home in the same city and was helping my fb friend answer some questions.  when i read the email, i couldnt believe it.  remember how their were foreigners at naomi's orphanage taking pictures of her and other kids?  I wondered if this was the lady.  i emailed my friend back telling her my side of that story.  she was just as amazed as i was.  i shared with her a picture of naomi so she could look through the photos that were sent to her.  sure enough, there were SEVEN pictures of our girl!!!  i could not believe it!  the Lord orchestrates things in such amazing ways!!!  it really made me feel this big world shrink!  here are a few of my new pictures (hopefully):

well, one at least.  i need to figure out how to keep the rest of the file unzipped...  :)  i keep saying this, but i cannot wait to figure out what makes this little girl smile.

oh the heart ache

My heart is sad..  The other day i wanted to watch my little video of Naomi and discovered it doesnt work anymore!  i am really lonely for her today.  it isnt helping to see other families going through the same thing, so much further ahead of me, either. 

Lord!  sustain my heart!  help me to trust in your timing and plan. 

onto the next step...!

I got an email yesterday from my social worker - our homestudy is being reviewed by the head office!  woop!  i also got an email listing out what i need to do to finish out our dossier - there really is not much!  and, i am almost done already!  eman and i just need to go get another set of passport pictures to include and then all of the paperwork is finished.  there still remains the issue of payment... 

today, i am starting to make christmas cinnamon rolls - i have 71 pans of 6 to make!  i am praying that the rolls will pay for several of the checks i need to write.  i know that the Lord has provided so far, but seeing the numbers seems so daunting to me!  i am only allowing myself to look at the step that is right in front of me, and not looking ahead.  i think i would only begin to panic.  ;)

these are some of the pictures that i included in our "family pictures" in the dossier.  i sure do love my little family..  cannot wait to have a little girly in the mix too.  :)

reflections

today, as i was driving home from my mom's, i had a lot of time to think and pray - 6 hours worth!  my buns were so happy to see pasco..  ;)  this week was quite an emotional whirlwind.  wednesday, we thought grandma was dying and wouldnt make it to the end of the day.  thursday, at dinner time, jacob came back to the table and said that grandma was sitting up.  my parents hustled back to her room before she could try to stand up, lose her balance and then fall, breaking who knows what.  friday, the nurse came by to take grandma's vital - they were normal!  her blood pressure has not been strong enough to register on a pressure cuff for that past week or so, heart rate has gotten no higher than mid 50's.  so crazy!  the nurse laughed and said grandma must be a cat with a few more lives left.  apparently the Lord has not called her to come home, just yet.  i know that all of this waiting, and back and forth has been really hard on my mom and dad.  thursday or friday they went down to the funeral home to make the arrangements which was really hard on my dad.  he was responsible for making all the arrangements for his dad, all of which were made after grandpa passed away.  he did not want to go through the same emotional decision making again.  i know dad was really grateful for my mom's companionship and support at the appointment.

all of that to say, i had a lot to reflect on on my way home.  i have never been really vocal with my faith to my parents.  they know what i believe, since they raised me to believe in Jesus.  they know that i continue to walk with the Lord.  i am dont blatant with things to them or my siblings.  i am conflicted sometimes though whether i should be doing more while i am there - living more out loud, so to speak.  i am planning to go back for an extended visit in january.  i would really like to read to grandma from the bible - psalms or something.  i want my parents to see me continuing to live my life for the Lord.  i know that if grandma were coherant, she would enjoy hearing scripture.

my confliction is in whether to call my mom on her behaviors?  i have already asked several times why they dont go to church anymore - or why she doesnt go alone, without my dad.  each time i have gotten a "we are too busy" type of answer.  i have sent emails to my dad about where society is now compared to end times prophecy, but have never gotten much of a response.  they lived their lives as believers (at least from my perspective) for a long time.  they have since walked away and now live like good people.  do i treat them as believers and hold them accountable to a biblical standard or do a accept that they are now of the world?  that grieves me to accept... pit in the stomach type of thing.  i have to confess that i do not pray for my family daily like i should, either.  i dont know what to pray most times, except that they would realize their wrong and come back to the Lord.. is that all i can do, for now?  i want a magic switch to open their eyes to see the light...

while driving, i was listening to an old WOW cd and a song by barlow girls came on  - beautiful ending.  this was a perfect song for what i was thinking and praying about.   here it is:

grandma edna part 2

this week eman is out of town doing some training for work, so i decided to take advantage and come up to my parents house with the boys.  they always want to see their grammy and papa, and this was a great opportunity.  plus, it was a chance to see grandma one last time before she goes home to be with the Lord.

this morning, grandma's bath lady came to clean her up and help with bathroom duties.  as it turns out, this was too much for grandma.  the nurse came a bit later and helped my mom get grandma back into bed but was unable to rouse grandma.  it was very strange to see her laying helplessly, heart barely beating.  for a minute, the monitor wasnt beeping at all, and we all stood there just waiting..  was she dead?  the nurse repositioned the monitor on grandma's finger and it came back.  so bazaar.  my mom commented how strange our bodies are - so fragile yet able to rally when it is not yet time to be done.  truely, our Lord knew what He was doing when creating us.  Our bodies are an amazing interconnected web.  

i am so thankful that grandma is saved and will be going to heaven.  as of know, she is not in any pain.  i pray that she will continue to sleep and will have a peaceful passing.

well, as i sit here, i can hear her talking to herself.. apparently it is not her time to go