I am really struggling this afternoon with our decision about jie..  my heart is really hurting for him.  are we really supposed to leave him in china and not bring him home?  i dont think this heart break is right.  am i hurting today because he really is our son and i am mourning his loss?  am i hurting because we made a decision in our flesh but we are really supposed to stay the course?  did we make the right decision?  i dont know.  i need confirmation, Lord!  i need your arms of comfort cause this really sucks.  i desperately want the dr to be wrong in her diagnosis.  i want to go get him and find that while he is very delayed, with time, he will grow and recover, if not wholly then significantly.
i dont want to work hard for eman to get his bmi to where china deems it an appropriate number.  am i working in my strength, Lord, and not trusting you?  it feels like it right now - everything just feels hard.  i need your strength.  i need your guidance and direction.  i feel like i am floundering right now and it is really scary.  i want to run away and not do this anymore.  it hurts too much.  it is too hard.  i dont like it, Lord.  Please, Jesus, scoop me up and hold me close cause i cant do it on my own...