Life has been a little bit crazy for me and it is mostly my own fault... Well, and just because "normal" life has been changed and now has a new face.
Last week Eman started his first week (of six) on night shift. He has been stressed out to the MAX with learning his new position and we were hoping the nights would be a little bit easier and/or provide a small break from the craziness of days. Apparently that isnt working out like we were wanting. Because of that, Eman comes home mentally fried and ready to veg and go to bed. This leaves me with a build up of "life still continues forward" stress to deal with on my own (or at least that is how i was feeling). Of course, it doesnt help that i am getting ready to start my monthly delight and am just a touch hormonal and cranky.
We had requested the file of a super cute, lively little boy a few weeks ago. LL put a hold on it for us so no other family could sneak him out from under us. There is normally a time limit on those holds, but since no one else was looking, we had an extended visit. Eman and I wanted to have a Dr review his file to see if there were any red flags or just physical issues we should be aware of. I decided to not take the file to our Pediatrician right away and instead wait for the boys scheduled appointment which was the next week. I figured that if this boy was supposed to be ours, then it wouldnt matter when the Dr looked at his file. This little boy has an amazingly complete file, compared to the other ones we have seen. All appearances make him appear to be perfect. I gave our Dr the boy's file while we were there. On Monday, I got an email from LL that there were a couple families interested in seeing the boy's file. I hadnt heard back from the Dr yet, so called him the next day. His assistant called me back later in the afternoon to tell me the Dr had reviewed the file, but that there were no notes. Instead she asked that I bring back his file once we were back to the US so they could scan it into their system. I explained to her that we werent sure that we were going to adopt him and what my hopes for the Dr were. She didnt really know what to say, so told me to come pick up my paperwork whenever I could.
That night, I told Eman what I had found out from the Dr (i.e. nothing) and that we needed to give LL an answer about this little boy. If it was no, then we would lose our "hold" and the other families would be able to see the file. This "conversation" quickly turned into an arguement (due to the above information/circumstances). While I had been praying for this little boy, I hadnt really been seeking the Lord's will with him. And, as it turns out, neither had Eman. In fact, when I told him that we needed to make a decision on this little boy, he said "Who?"
Making a quick decision to say yes, was not something Eman felt comfortable doing. So, the next morning, I sent LL a text letting them know our decision (no) and to please share this little boy's file with the other families.
Bottom line in this circumstance (and seems to be the recurring theme throughout this whole process) is I need to trust and wait. This means that I need to stop looking at the waiting children pictures on the LL website. Instead, Eman and I need to fill out the proper paperwork and let God choose our child for us. That is the way things are supposed to happen, after all, right? If I am truly submitting to the Lord's will, then I need to let HIM make the decisions rather than the other way around. This is what happened when He gave us the children we have now - we had no control in who and what they were.
I read the first 5 chapters of Genesis the other morning (the same morning that I told LL what our decision was). Those chapters are all about the Creation of the world and EVERYTHING that is in/on it. I was wondering why these were the chapters that I was reading - but now it makes sense to me. I can try to make the decisions and be in control of my life, but will it compare to how my life would look if I really, honestly allowed the God of all creation to have control? He is able and will create (if He hasnt already) the perfect child for our family. We have no control in who/what this child is, just in the same manner as before. We need to only trust in His desire for good for us. Good does not always mean easy and I just need to trust and wait.
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