soon, but not soon enough...

i had a dream last night about naomi.  i dreamed that i was at some place similar to our church's ranch property to pick up naomi.  she was there with a bunch of kids and moms hanging out.  i saw her across the room and called to her.  she looked up, and started to crawl to me.  i scooped her up and held her so tight and she squeezed me back.  i knew i was dreaming and woke up enough to realize that i was holding onto something in bed - pillow, blanket, something.  i went back to sleep and into my dream.  eman showed up and i pointed to him, telling naomi, "look! its baba!"  she lit up like our lovely children do when they see their daddy and said, "baba!"  i didnt want to wake up, even though i knew it was a dream..  soon, my love, you will get to meet your baba!

i met a gal the other day on facebook that has a little guy in the same orphanage as naomi.  she was telling me, in an email, about the circumstances of her child and how she was able to get some photos of him as well as some of the other kids at his orphanage from a woman from the netherlands.  this woman runs a foundation/foster home in the same city and was helping my fb friend answer some questions.  when i read the email, i couldnt believe it.  remember how their were foreigners at naomi's orphanage taking pictures of her and other kids?  I wondered if this was the lady.  i emailed my friend back telling her my side of that story.  she was just as amazed as i was.  i shared with her a picture of naomi so she could look through the photos that were sent to her.  sure enough, there were SEVEN pictures of our girl!!!  i could not believe it!  the Lord orchestrates things in such amazing ways!!!  it really made me feel this big world shrink!  here are a few of my new pictures (hopefully):

well, one at least.  i need to figure out how to keep the rest of the file unzipped...  :)  i keep saying this, but i cannot wait to figure out what makes this little girl smile.

oh the heart ache

My heart is sad..  The other day i wanted to watch my little video of Naomi and discovered it doesnt work anymore!  i am really lonely for her today.  it isnt helping to see other families going through the same thing, so much further ahead of me, either. 

Lord!  sustain my heart!  help me to trust in your timing and plan. 

onto the next step...!

I got an email yesterday from my social worker - our homestudy is being reviewed by the head office!  woop!  i also got an email listing out what i need to do to finish out our dossier - there really is not much!  and, i am almost done already!  eman and i just need to go get another set of passport pictures to include and then all of the paperwork is finished.  there still remains the issue of payment... 

today, i am starting to make christmas cinnamon rolls - i have 71 pans of 6 to make!  i am praying that the rolls will pay for several of the checks i need to write.  i know that the Lord has provided so far, but seeing the numbers seems so daunting to me!  i am only allowing myself to look at the step that is right in front of me, and not looking ahead.  i think i would only begin to panic.  ;)

these are some of the pictures that i included in our "family pictures" in the dossier.  i sure do love my little family..  cannot wait to have a little girly in the mix too.  :)

reflections

today, as i was driving home from my mom's, i had a lot of time to think and pray - 6 hours worth!  my buns were so happy to see pasco..  ;)  this week was quite an emotional whirlwind.  wednesday, we thought grandma was dying and wouldnt make it to the end of the day.  thursday, at dinner time, jacob came back to the table and said that grandma was sitting up.  my parents hustled back to her room before she could try to stand up, lose her balance and then fall, breaking who knows what.  friday, the nurse came by to take grandma's vital - they were normal!  her blood pressure has not been strong enough to register on a pressure cuff for that past week or so, heart rate has gotten no higher than mid 50's.  so crazy!  the nurse laughed and said grandma must be a cat with a few more lives left.  apparently the Lord has not called her to come home, just yet.  i know that all of this waiting, and back and forth has been really hard on my mom and dad.  thursday or friday they went down to the funeral home to make the arrangements which was really hard on my dad.  he was responsible for making all the arrangements for his dad, all of which were made after grandpa passed away.  he did not want to go through the same emotional decision making again.  i know dad was really grateful for my mom's companionship and support at the appointment.

all of that to say, i had a lot to reflect on on my way home.  i have never been really vocal with my faith to my parents.  they know what i believe, since they raised me to believe in Jesus.  they know that i continue to walk with the Lord.  i am dont blatant with things to them or my siblings.  i am conflicted sometimes though whether i should be doing more while i am there - living more out loud, so to speak.  i am planning to go back for an extended visit in january.  i would really like to read to grandma from the bible - psalms or something.  i want my parents to see me continuing to live my life for the Lord.  i know that if grandma were coherant, she would enjoy hearing scripture.

my confliction is in whether to call my mom on her behaviors?  i have already asked several times why they dont go to church anymore - or why she doesnt go alone, without my dad.  each time i have gotten a "we are too busy" type of answer.  i have sent emails to my dad about where society is now compared to end times prophecy, but have never gotten much of a response.  they lived their lives as believers (at least from my perspective) for a long time.  they have since walked away and now live like good people.  do i treat them as believers and hold them accountable to a biblical standard or do a accept that they are now of the world?  that grieves me to accept... pit in the stomach type of thing.  i have to confess that i do not pray for my family daily like i should, either.  i dont know what to pray most times, except that they would realize their wrong and come back to the Lord.. is that all i can do, for now?  i want a magic switch to open their eyes to see the light...

while driving, i was listening to an old WOW cd and a song by barlow girls came on  - beautiful ending.  this was a perfect song for what i was thinking and praying about.   here it is:

grandma edna part 2

this week eman is out of town doing some training for work, so i decided to take advantage and come up to my parents house with the boys.  they always want to see their grammy and papa, and this was a great opportunity.  plus, it was a chance to see grandma one last time before she goes home to be with the Lord.

this morning, grandma's bath lady came to clean her up and help with bathroom duties.  as it turns out, this was too much for grandma.  the nurse came a bit later and helped my mom get grandma back into bed but was unable to rouse grandma.  it was very strange to see her laying helplessly, heart barely beating.  for a minute, the monitor wasnt beeping at all, and we all stood there just waiting..  was she dead?  the nurse repositioned the monitor on grandma's finger and it came back.  so bazaar.  my mom commented how strange our bodies are - so fragile yet able to rally when it is not yet time to be done.  truely, our Lord knew what He was doing when creating us.  Our bodies are an amazing interconnected web.  

i am so thankful that grandma is saved and will be going to heaven.  as of know, she is not in any pain.  i pray that she will continue to sleep and will have a peaceful passing.

well, as i sit here, i can hear her talking to herself.. apparently it is not her time to go

I am not in control!

Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in every situation, by prayer and petitition, 

with thanksgiving, 

present your requests to God.

Phil 4:6

I really hate it that when I am really trying to be in the Lord's shadow, everything seems to break loose.  It all goes to heck in a hand basket!  But, the reality is it is just the nasty in my heart that is scratching and tearing at the goodness the Lord is wanting to bless me with.  That reality makes my heart heavy and sad..  However, scripture tells us that His mercies are new every morning and if they are new every morning, then they are also new every minute.  All I have to do is get on my knees, confess my wretched heart, and I am washed new and clean because of His great love!  You know what is crazy?  THAT reality makes my heart heavy too - I am so thankful for what He does and gives me everyday, but I am so guilty and unworthy of it.  Isnt it amazing that while we were yet sinners Christ died for (my) our sins!!!  He loved me before I even existed.  Before all of my great grans even existed!  What is really neat is that while I am sad about the state of my heart, the Holy Spirit is reminding me of all these tidbits of scripture.  He is reminding me of the truth that I have hidden in my heart!  Thank you, Father, for these hard moments.  Thank you for the sweet reminders of who I am in You.  I am not that yuckiness - I am a new creation!  The old is gone.  (Please dont ask me for referrences - I have no idea where each of these verses are located.  Ha!)

I had someone on FB refer me to Hebrews 4 on something different then above.  I read it this morning and I really love the very last verse:  

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, 

so that we may receive mercy and find grace 

to help us in our time of need.

Heb 4: 16

Jesus was tempted just like us.  He understands our weaknesses and wants to help us!  We just need to walk right up to his throne and ask!

Thank you, Father, for showing me who I am in my flesh.  Thank you for these hard times that help refine me into a person more like Christ.  Show me how to be thankful in ALL situations, to not be anxious, and to trust in Your great plan!

Grandma Edna..

The other day my dad sent out an email to the three of us kids about our Grandma.  Grandma is way old - I forget exactly how old..  Birthdays are hard for me.  Anyhow, she has been living with my parents for the past 5 years or so.  It has been so neat to see her every time we go to visit.  I am so thankful that my boys have had a chance to know their great grandma.

We grew up about 5 miles away from my grandparents and saw them at least once a week, if not more.  We had sleepovers regularly.  Grandma would fix as a bed time snack and usually it was homemade vanilla ice cream (YUM!!!) with saltine crackers.  Every once in a while, Grandpa would roast us marshmallows in the wood stove.  He was the most patient man on earth!  Our marshmallows were always perfectly golden all the way around.  Each morning, we would eat breakfast and then have morning devotion all together.  Grandpa would read a passage from the Bible, his big hands skimming the words as he read, then read the day's passage from My Daily Bread.  I remember helping mow their big lawn, raking the lawn clippings into huge piles to jump into.  Grandpa would use a rotary, push mower on sections!  He was a crazy hard worker.  Grandma and Grandpa had a huge garden each summer and we would all get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.  They were both beyond generous with the things that they had.  They were amazing examples of who we as believers are supposed to be.  The stories could go on and on..

My Grandpa passed away just before Eman and I were married, almost 11 years ago.

Anyhow, Grandma's mind and body have been slowing down over the past few years, but things have progressed in the past few months.  My parents have called hospice to have Grandma evaluated to see what the next step will be.  They are having a hospital bed delivered to my parents house as well as nurses coming to help daily care, as they are needed.  Grandma's heart rate is really low (48 beats/minute) and her blood pressure is low enough that it is not registering on a blood pressure cuff.  She has also started to get congestion in her upper chest - not to the point of pneumonia, but her heart is starting to fail.  It is hard to say when she will end up passing away, but it will happen in the near future.

So, Eman and I have the task of telling our boys what is happening to their Great Grandma and deciding whether we need to take them for one last visit before she passes away.  For the most part, Grandma was always a bit cranky with them, since she couldnt keep up with them physically or mentally.  The boys were usually sweet and polite back, thankfully.  I knew this time would be coming, but was not prepared for how to deal with it and the boys.  I am hoping that Eman and I will get a chance to talk about how we should tell them, before the conversation actually happens.  So, if you think about us, please be praying for the boys to be ready and understanding.  Also, my prayer is that Grandma would pass quickly and not be suffering as her heart gives out. 

Operation Christmas Child

Tonight my boys and I went out to collect items to fill our Christmas boxes.  This has been a tradition for the past six years - I packed my first box the year John was one.  This is one of my most favorite Christmas traditions, even though it happens well before Christmas time.  I think it is especially sweet to me this year, because of my heart being broken for the orphan.  These boxes are sent all over the world to kids that dont have anything.  These kids are allowed to receive a box just one time.  They are sent out to remote village churches and handed out by local pastors and church leaders as well Samaritans Purse people.  Each child is given a Bible along with the Gospel message.  They are invited to attend a Bible study.  The hope, of course, is that these children will receive the Truth of our Lord, Jesus and will then, share it with their parents and family.  This is the true gift of Christmas.

Each of the boys picked out toys, socks, books, crayons, etc to put into their boxes.  They also got to help pack a box in honor of Naomi.  I figure we might as well start her on the tradition too.  Next year, she will officially be able to participate.  (I cant wait!)  Jacob kept getting mixed up thinking that we were choosing gifts to GIVE Naomi rather than given BY Naomi.  It was really sweet to see him light up when he would see something that he just knew Naomi would like.  I am so thankful that a love is being fostered in his heart towards his baby sister.  Both of the boys are going to be amazing protectors and lovers of their sister. (Again, I cant wait!)

It was so sweet to see each of my boys choosing gifts for their boxes and for Naomi's box.  I really loved seeing them think about what they were doing, and choosing as well as they could.  Last year, they were both more focused on looking and lusting at the toys, dreaming of which ones they would like to have.  This year, they were distracted just a few times and only momentarily with just a quick reminder.  It is neat to see how their hearts are changing.  They are starting to realize that their is more going on then just what is right in front of their little noses.  They are allowing Jesus to cause their hearts to be tender towards these kids that have so much less than they do.

I am really praying that they will be able to come along when we go to China.  I would love for their eyes to be opened that much more; to see how different the world is outside of their little town.  I would love them to see just how blessed they are to just have been born into the USA.  I know it would be an amazing trip. 

Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to bless the lives of the boys and girl that will receive our boxes.  I pray that they accept You as the Saviour.  I pray that they are used in mighty ways in their villages.  I pray that they are an influence on their parents' lives and that their parents, too, receive Your truth in their hearts.  Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the work you are doing in my own boys' hearts.  I pray that they will continue to be broken for the poor, the orphans and widows.  I pray that they will be broken before You and excited to do Your will!

Double Light

Today is Sunday and we went to church, which is our norm.  However, it is also day light savings.  Last night Eman and I were thinking we would skip church and just have a family day.  But, since we actually gained an hour of sleep, we both woke up very rested and wanting to go to church.  I am really thankful we did too.  Our Sr High Pastor taught today about Noah from Genesis 6.  I love the teaching at our church - line by line, verse by verse.

At about verse 16 or something, Matt was talking about the window that Noah built in the boat.  The Greek (or Hebrew, I forget) word used for window also means double light.  As you can imagine, the world was a pretty dark and dreary place during the flood, what with all the rain clouds and water covering everything.  Most likely, the sun was not out shining.  But, the ark was filled with light and also reflected it as well - a light beacon floating on an ocean of water.  It was not filled with natural light, either.  Candles just dont provide enough light to spill out and shine all around.  The boat was filled with supernatural, spiritual light! 

If you remember, there were lots of plagues while Moses tried to free the Israelites from Pharoah in Egypt.  Plague number 9 was a plague of darkness.  It was so dark, that the people could FEEL it.  I have been in that kind of darkness and it is not fun.  But, to make it even worse, the Egyptians could not provide a light to break the darkness.  But, there was light in the Hebrews camp.  Their tents were beacons of light in the darkness.  Again, they were filled with a supernatural Light - protected from the plague.  They were protected from the plagues because they were God's chosen people.

Both of these situations are pictures of Jesus - He is our Light in this dark world!  However, we are capable of becoming a double light.  We, as followers of Christ, are to be so full of the Light that we reflect it back out to be beacons of light in our dark world.  We should be direction signs pointing those in the dark world towards Jesus Christ. 

We are protected, just like the Israelites, because we too are God's chosen people - adopted into the family through the sacrifice of Jesus' and His blood being spilled for us!

The other cool thing I learned today was the meaning for the word pitch.  Once Noah was finished building the ark, he covered the whole thing, inside and out, in pitch.  The word used for pitch is also the same word used for blood.  The ark was covered by pitch and made water tight (i.e. protected from outside forces).  Likewise, when we ask Jesus into our hearts, we are covered in His blood and protected!

I love that even the Old Testament points towards Jesus!  God's Word is so cool!

Technology is so cool!

It is so stinking amazing to be able to use my phone, iPad and computer to all study Gods word!  What an amazing time we live in, and all the closer to Jesus return!  Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

I have been reading about faith this morning..  Hebrews 11 is such a neat chapter! It is so encouraging to read through all of the examples of people in the Bible having faith n such extreme situations.  They make may little struggles seem just that - little.  Noah built an ark, Abraham offered his son up, Moses brought Gods people out of Egypt, Sarah conceived as an old lady, the list goes on!

Several verses to share that I just really love:

6: but without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarded of those who diligently seek Him.

11-12: by faith Sarah herself received strength to conceive seed and she bore a child when she was past age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.  Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born as many as the stars of the sky in multitude - innumerable as the sand which is by the seashore.  (really, I like verse 12, but included vs 11 to provide some context)

16: but now they desire a better, that is, heavenly country.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

At the end of the chapter, there is a list of all of the horrible things that some of the people in the hall of faith went through to proclaim the gospel - Horrible, horrible things!  And, yet, they still clung to the promise of Christ, they did not give up!

Lord, give me strength and courage! Help me to have faith in Your promises!  Be not ashamed for me to call You my God!

quiet Saturday morn..

It is strangely quiet this morning..  John is my early riser and is usually up by 7am at the latest.  Today, it is almost 9am and both my boys are still asleep.  I am hoping it is just catch up, but am suspecting that they are both going to wake up not feeling well - it is that time of year, unfortunately.  The stillness and quiet gives me a moment to reflect, which is nice.  I read through my friend's blog after reading through my Bible time.  I love my friend and love what she does with her kids.  She has been blogging about each of her kids and I love that idea, too.  She is great inspiration to me..  :)

Today's entry in My Utmost is Matt 28:19 - Go and make disciples of all the nations... 
This verse is difficult for me - I am at home everyday and not around many, if any, nonbelievers.  But, as I have been sitting here, Jesus reminded me that my boys are who I am responisble for shaping right now.  (I know this, but needed the reminder ;))  This can seem like such a daunting task!  I am shaping two of the next generation - they could change the world!  What a load!  BUT!!! I only can do this with the Lord's help and guidance.  He carries this weight, not me.  Phew!

I am really excited to see my boys in 10 years to see who they are - where their hearts are.  I pray all the time that they have a heart like David - a heart seeking after the Lord.  I also pray that they have the courage of Paul to share the gospel all over, to everyone at all times.  I see glimpses of this in John, already.  He is a lot like his daddy.  Both of them say what they are thinking right then and there.  Eman has always been able to swallow his fear to tell people the truth, regardless of the consequences.  He says it is a both a blessing and a curse.  To me, it is admirable.  I am not confrontational at all - I will back down with just a glimmer of confrontation.  Basically, I am a chicken.  Jacob is more like me.  :) 

So cool to watch them grow and develop - love them so much!

my prayer..

Jesus, be the center
Be my source, be my light
Jesus

Jesus, be the center
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

sweet aroma

This morning, I put on my robe before coming out of my bedroom.  It smells really nice! It hangs on the back of my bathroom door and gets misted with my perfume each time I put it on.  I love it!  I think I might hang my sweaters there instead...

My morning devotional email had this verse this am: When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem.  Then Paul answered, "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart?  I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus."  When he would not be dissuaded, we gave up and said, "The Lord's will be done."  Acts 21:12-14

The commentary says this: ..Paul was so committed to Gods purposes that he was ready to die for the cause of Christ. ..We may not be called to go somewhere to die, but are we living in the dynamics of the Holy Spirit, or have we allowed comfort to lull us into spiritual boredom?

This verse and commentary made me realize that 1. I am no Paul.  2. I have definitely have been lulled into my comfort for a long while.  Although, God has been prying and pulling me out of that spot with this adoption process.

My Utmost used this verse today: "Thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ..."  2 Cor 2:14

Oswald talks about having the proper perspective and that is to maintain the fact that we are here for just one purpose - to be captives marching in the procession of Christ's triumphs.  We need to be more like Paul, really, willing to go to Jerusalem (or where ever) even with the threat of death ahead.  We are not to talk about being victorious, but instead, giving glory and belonging to the Victor - It is always HIS victory.  He references Romans 8:37 - we are more than conquerors through Him..."

Oswald finishes with this: We are encompassed with the sweet aroma of Jesus and wherever we go we are a wonderful refreshment to God.

2 Cor 2:14-16 Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place.  For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.  To the one we are the aroma of death leading to death, and to the other the aroma of life leading to life..

Lord Jesus, surround me with the sweet aroma of Jesus - let me be a wonderful refreshment to the Heavenly Father!  Show me how to teach my children to be the same.  Give me the strength and knowledge to be aroma of life leading to life for the people that surround me.

Galations 5

This morning, I read Galatians 5:1-6.  Interestingly enough, it is a great follow up to my corrections from last night:

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.  Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.  And I testify again to every man who becomes circumcised that he is a debtor to keep the whole law.  You have become estranged from Christ, you who attempt to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace.  For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.  For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love."

Last night the Lord showed me my bondage, my sin.  Today, He tells me, now that I have confessed, to move on!  I am no longer caught in that bondage.  Following the "rules" is not what is going to save me - I have to totally surrender.  I have to trust the Lord loves me and will work in and through me to complete my life.  It would be great to have this be a snap thing, and then our lives would be complete.  But, that is not how the Lord does things.  Each day I must choose to leave my bondage behind.  Please pray for me (and I will pray for you) that I am able to do this through the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Today's verse in My Utmost is 2 Cor 5:17 - "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."  Oswald says in the devotion, "..God pays no respect to anything we ring to Him.  There is only one ting God wants of us, and that is our unconditional surrender."  "The only way is by allowing nothing of the old life to remain, and by having only simple, perfect trust in God - such a trust that we no longer want God's blessings, but only want God Himself.  Have we come to the point where God can withdraw His blessings from us without our trust in Him being affected?  Once we truly see God at work, we will never be concerned again about the things that happen, because we are actually trusting in our Father in heaven, whom the world cannot see."

There has been a repeating theme throughout my blogging... TRUST.  Apparently I am super slow to get this.  LOL  I know that I can trust the Lord regardless of whether there is blessing for me.  My problem is whether I throw a hissy fit or not.  I need to give my trust with a happy heart, just like I tell my boys.  No stinky attitudes!

My goal for the rest of this month (and on forward) is to continue reading each morning.  I am planning to at least put where I read up here, so I am held accountable.  I cant use the standby "no time" excuse, because I do - at least 10 minutes.  I know that's not a lot of time, but that is enough to meet with the Lord to start my day.  THAT is what I need.

Heading to the wood shed...

The past week or so I have been super antsy, feeling like I needed something to do, filling my free time with mindless computer games, facebook, etc.  Tonight finally, I opened up My Utmost For His Highest along with my Bible.  I know my unease has been because I haven't actually been spending time with the Lord other than praying each night before going to bed - I know, I know.  October 22 in My Utmost is titles The Witness of the Spirit.  Oswald references Romans 8:16 - "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit..."  He talks about how we don't have the Spirit because we are not doing what God has called us to do - spending time DAILY with Him, in the Word (this is, of course, speaking to what I am doing/not doing).  I am not abandoning myself to Him in total surrender - SO hard to do, simply because I am a stinky idiot sinner who really likes to do what I want to do.  I really struggle with giving my everything up to the Lord every day.  It really annoys me, too.  But, what is cool, is that the Lord is always good to remind me of how much He loves me and that He wants good for my life, He has a holy purpose for me!  Not a life of aimless wondering, seeking and trying to fill it up with stuff.
I know that the Lord has put a desire in my heart for Naomi, an ache to have my child here.  I am not capable to put those desires into my heart with only a few weeks of knowing this little girl on paper.  I truly ache for her to be here.  I have been trying to fill that space by making things for her, preparing for her arrival.  I have made a variety of things, and started to collect clothing and other things we will need for her.  I have not given those needs and desires to the Lord or asked Him to provide for us.  I have simply gone for it.
After reading the My Utmost, I went back to the Bible and read through Romans 8.  This chapter is cool, even though the first several verses can be confusing.  I have to read through them slowly and usually out loud for it all to make sense.   ;) Verse 5 really hammered into me - "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit."  I have been trying to distract the hollow by making myself busy "preparing".  And, in all honesty, the hollow is not having Naomi, but my distraction from the Lord.  Verse 6-8 goes on to say, "For to be carnally minded (thinking about the here and now) is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  (I have had no peace - just anxiousness)  Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.  So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God."  All of that, combined with where I know my heart was, really stinks!  I do no want to be an enemy of God nor do I want to be in a place where I cannot please Him!  Thank goodness God whacked me upside the head - thank goodness there is a part 2 with good news for me later in Romans 8!  Verse 13, "For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live."  Yay!  And, even better, the Spirit is going to do the work for me, through me, in me!
Verses 15-17 I love - "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."  The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we duffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together."  Our Father went through the same thing bringing me (us) into the family that I (Eman and I) am doing to bring Naomi into ours!  I love that He has made me a joint heir with Christ!  How cool is that?!
Now these next few verses were especially sweet to me.  Seriously, God is always going to bring it all back around.  First, He corrects us, then shows us that He still loves us and then gives us an extra dose of love. 
Verse 22-26 "For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now.  Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body.  For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.  Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered."
I know that this is all talking about waiting for Christ to return for us, but it was sweet to me because it felt like the Lord was telling me, "I know how you feel as you wait for your daughter!  I groan with you, for you."  And, again, the Spirit is going to do it for me!  I am weak - HE is strong!
The last 10ish verses in the chapter are also fabulous, but the first 2/3 was what I needed to hear.  Thank you, Jesus, for being faithful to discipline and correct me!

Lord, give me patience!

I am beginning to understand my fellow adopting families impatience..  This waiting between steps is really hard!  I want more pictures, more videos and more information on our little Naomi Xinyu!  I want paperwork to get done all on its own, grant applications to be submitted and accepted, and our travel date to be right around the corner (since nothing is ready here, yet)!  Hurry up, already!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. - Isaiah 26:3

Hello, my name is..

We told the boys last night that we are going to have a little sister and she is waiting in china.  We showed them her picture and they both said, I have seen her on the computer!  Yep.  They had a mixed reaction and the conversation did not play out like I had planned in my head.  John was a bit disappointed because he wanted another brother.  I reminded him that he already had  a brother..  Jacob said he wanted a big sister from the united states like a big girl they had played with earlier In the evening.  I told him that I didn't know if we would ever be getting a big sister.  For now, we were just getting a little sister.  They immediately moved on and went back to the tickle fight they were having with daddy.  The whole thing was a little bit anticlimactic.  I guess I should have expected that because the reality of a baby sister being here is still a ways off.

After I got them settled back down and back on the bedtime path, eman and I had a quiet little discussion about Xinyu's name.  We decided that we will name her Naomi Xinyu.  The name Naomi means pleasant, delightful.  I pray that this Naomi brings delight to our family.  I cannot wait to see how she changes our family dynamic.  Hold on, little sister, my little delight! We will be there before you know it.

Here's the story..

I sent out an email to my family letting them know about the news that came yesterday.  I have spoken to my sister and mom now and have gotten a tentative support from each of them - yay!  My mom is a bit freaked out which is completely understandable.  I was freaked out to begin with too!  I haven't shared how this all came about, so figured I would and then share the exciting offer that I got today.

I was sent Xinyu's file Wednesday night while I was at church (Eman was working).  I saw the alert come up on my phone along with the subject and sender of the email.  I immediately got butterflies and sat there wondering what I should do.  After a few minutes of anxiety, I got up and left the sanctuary to open the email.  The email said that the file had already been locked for us which freaked me out even more - could they do that without my permission?!  In my confusion and excitement, I couldn't remember if I would be able to open the attachments so called my friend to ask her what I should do and if I could send her the email to open for me.  She laughed and while she really wanted to see the file, didn't want to see the child before I had a chance to (smart gal).  After I hung up, my brain started to work and reminded me that I CAN open those files on my phone.  It is a mini computer, after all.  So, I opened it up and gazed in wonder at this beautiful little girl.  I was able to open all of the documents EXCEPT for the English translation file.  I called my friend back and told her what I knew, which was nothing, except that it was a file for a little girl named Yu Xinyu.  I gathered up the boys and we headed home.  Once there, I was able to open the word doc and see what exactly was going on with this child.  I did some research on hydrocephalus and started to panic - it seemed really scary!  I finally headed to bed about 11:30.  After doing what I needed to in the bathroom, I went into my closet and dropped to my knees (I don't usually pray here, in case you are wondering).  How on earth am I supposed to care for a little girl like this?!  Lord, if we are really supposed to move to Africa, this child would end up dying - Uganda does NOT have the capabilities to care for a child like this!  There is just no way, Lord!

Eman came home about 7:30 Thursday morning (he had been working night shift).  I showed him the pictures of Xinyu and shared with him all of the information that I had found the night before.  I also told him that we needed to give our agency an answer by Friday evening - that gave us 48 hours!  (Normally we would have 72 hours, but since it was the weekend and China was just getting ready to go on an extended gov't holiday, our time was shortened just to be safe.)  Eman didn't say much since he was completely drained from a very stressful shift.

Later, after I had breakfast, I read Psalm 27 (I posted it several back).  I was super convicted about my freak out the night before and decided that I would fast that day and the next until the Lord gave us our answer.  I asked the Lord to give both Eman and me a peace that passes all understanding if we were supposed to say yes.  If it was no, that He would give us a heavy spirit.  

All day long, I did my best to seek out as many opinions and as much information as I could.  I tried to get a hold of local neuro Drs as well as some in Seattle but got the run around there.  I also was trying to get in touch with a mom here locally that has two adopted children with hydro.  I was beginning to feel like we were going to have to make a blind decision and just TRUST that the Lord knew who this girl was and whether she would fit into our family.  We were going to need to TRUST that He really would give us our answer when we needed it.

Again, when Eman woke up,  I shared with him what I had found out and what I felt like the Lord was showing me - not much and TRUST!

Friday, I spoke with a mom on the other side of the country with a bio kid with hydro.  She shared some encouraging information as well as what daily life looked like for her family.  She also shared with me that she had started a foundation with her sister to help pay for shunt surgeries in Africa.  They were donating their funds to a non profit hospital that performed the surgeries.  After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the organization.  There is a hospital in Uganda.  Guess what their specialty is?!  Neurosurgery!!!  My mouth pretty much dropped to the counter.  I could not believe it.  I was also able to talk to a Dr in Spokane but couldn't get too much information since I only had a little bit to share.  Again, I felt like we needed to make a blind decision and just TRUST that the Lord would let us know HIS plan for us.

Eman and I finally got to talk and pray about what we were supposed to do Friday afternoon.  He and I both felt complete peace about this little girl, so agreed that we would say yes.  I was immediately giddy!  We agreed that we would not say anything until we had received our PA.  We then went out to meet some friends for dinner.  Eman was the first to spill the beans - usually it is me.  ;)  That night, we got our care letter sent to China and a week later, we had PA!  I just have to say that while I had excitement and anticipation with Jie, I have complete JOY with Xinyu.  I cannot believe that I am going to have a little girl running around here!  I am the mom that was completely content with boys and didn't feel like I needed a daughter to complete my family.  Ha!

All of this, leads me to today.  I spoke with my mom this morning for a bit and she told me that she would like to have me come over and help her sort through all of their stuff (there is a LOT, too).  She wants to give me all of the stuff to have a yard sale with in order to help support our adoption!  She said that she wanted to money to go to something worthwhile and she knew we could use it!  I am so absolutely blown away by her offer!  I did not expect any financial support from my family, at all!  She is willing to host the yard sale, or we can load everything up into my dad's trailer and bring it back here.  There is a community yard sale in April in her town that we could participate in, if we wanted to wait.  At first, I was thinking that we bring it all back here, but after praying and thinking about it more, I think it may be really cool to do the sale there.  What an opportunity for the Lord to show his power and ability to take care of us!  I pray that my parents see the glory of the Lord through this as well as being blessed themselves for being willing.  Having the sale at their house would bring people to see the farm and maybe bring business there as well.

So, so cool.  I love how things come together when we get our fingers our of the pot and let the Lord rule in our lives.

Big news!!!

 Today I received our PA from China for little Miss Xinyu! 

I cannot wait to see her with hair..  She is going to be so lovely - she already is, but even more so with hair!  It is so strange to think that I have a daughter. Never did I think that would happen.  I love my boys and love how easy they are.  There is very little drama with boys.  ;)  It is going to be really interesting to see who this little girl is.  Her file says she is quiet, shy and sometimes obstinant.  My boys are loud, outgoing and pliable.  If the file is true to who Xinyu is, then she will be completely opposite of what we are used to. 

I already have a plan for her room and am really trying not to buy cute girly things.  I have an idea of how big she is now, but dont know when we will be going for her.  There is no way to plan ahead at this point.  I am expecting that it will be winter/spring time.  Give me strength to withstand the temptation to shop, Lord! 

Xinyu will be 2 at the end of January.  She is post-op hydrocephalus which means she has a shunt in already to help drain the extra spinal fluid in her brain. 

I just cant wait.  I have a cheesy grin on my face...  :)

Colossians 1:13-14

For He has rescued us 

from the dominion of darkness 

and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

 in whom we have redemption, 

the forgiveness of sins.

This was the verse that came today in my daily Bible email and it is totally appropriate as we get close to Halloween.  Here is the commentary that came with:

Notice the term 'rescued'.  This implies that we couldn't get ourselves out of our predicament.  I n other words, we didn't find God - God found us!  His forgiveness of sin was never based upon our ability to get our act together.  Our redemption was paid for at the cross, and we should never forget that we have been pulled out of darkness by God's mercy in Jesus Christ.

I just love this.  I am so thankful for the regular reminders that I am not capable of doing any of this "saving" on my own.  The only way I can "save" myself is by saying YES! and allowing Jesus into my heart, by saying YES! to His desires for my life.  How easy is that?!  Ok, not always so easy because I am a stinky fleshy person.

This verse is also timely in another way.  Yesterday I received a short video clip of a little girl in China.  She is laying in her bed, trying to eat a candy that is still wrapped in plastic.  Her bed is a narrow crib - just wider than her small body.  There is a mattress in the crib, which is a step up from a lot of other beds, but no sheets or blankets to keep her cozy.  She appears to be well taken care of, and I am so thankful for that.  But, I am still a little sad for her.  I am really sad, heart broken and burdened for the kids that sleep on a hard bed, whether there is a crib around them or just on the floor.  I think about how well cared for my children are and how fortunate the kids in the USA are.  There is someplace for them all to go (even if they choose not to go).  There are opportunities for our kids to get food, free schooling, cloths and so much more. 

While I know the kids here in the US need families just as desperately as the kids around the world, I am just not as burdened for them.  My heart aches for the kids in countries that are so poor that they have no chance at providing a fraction of what we, in the US, can provide for our kids. 

I was talking with my friend after watching the video clip and we were talking about this little girl's bed.  She told me about how many children in China sleep on a bamboo mat inside their hard crib, again with no blankets.  I didnt know this, but was not surprised by it.  This piece of information made me realize that I had been turning a blind eye to this.  The Lord is slowly peeling back my onion layers, not only on my heart, but also on my eyes.

These children desperately need to be rescued out of their darkness spiritually and physically.  The Lord has burdened our hearts to bring one of these children home, now.  I pray that many more families are burdened in the same way.  I am also praying that Jesus returns soon to rescue the children that are regularly overlooked or are not available for adoption, for whatever reason.  And, if He is not coming soon, that He would visit these children and provide comfort in their very dark world.. I pray that there is just one caretaker in their building that is able to offer a comforting touch or smile.

I dont know if the Lord will ask us to bring more children home or not..  But I pray that He gives us the strength and ability to care for the children He does give us.  I pray that He continues to burden my heart to pray for these kids, to help them however we can. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;  Whom shall I fear?  

The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?  

When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell.  

Though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; 

though war may rise against me, in this I will be confident.  

One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.  

For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion; in the secret place of his tabernacle he shall hide me; he shall set me high upon a rock.  

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; 

therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in his tabernacle; 

I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.  

Hear, o Lord, when I cry with my voice!  

Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.  

When you said, "Seek My face," my heart said to you, "Your face, Lord, I will seek."  

Do not hide Your face from me; do not turn Your servant away in anger; 

You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, o God of my salvation.  

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.  

Teach me Your way, o Lord, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.  

Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, 

and such as breathe out violence.  

I would have lost heart, 

unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  

Wait on the Lord; 

be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen your heart; 

wait, I say, on the Lord.

I love that He is always so faithful to remind, encourage and refocus me..  Thank you for how You show Your love of me! 

How great is our God?!

We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.  Isaiah 53:6

Do y of feel far from God? There is good news.  God knew that we don't have the ability to be consistent, so he took our faults and laid them upon the only One who could bear all of our wondering - himself.  Jesus took our sin because our heavenly Father knows us much better than we know ourselves.  Our quest for chistian perfection can be laid at The cross.  We  can rejoice that Jesus death and resurrection has opened the way to return from our wondering back to the arms of our Creator.  (commentary by Dave Whitehead,, senior pastor, gracenyc.org)

While I am not feeling far f rom God, necessarily, I am so thankful that He is able to bear my wonderings!  I am definitely guilty of that, it seems on a daily basis, as I get busy with what is right in front of my nose.  I am so easily distracted by the day to day, I tend to forget that my Heavenly Father is giving those day to day things to draw me into His presence..  This reminds me of His call to be more intentional with all that is in my life.  I purchased a study to do with the boys a few weeks ago.  We haven't started it yet.  My excuse was I didn't have ink to print it out - it is an online, PDF study rather than an actual book.  Well, that excuse, obviously doesn't fly since it is an online, PDF study.  However, I now have ink and print out a hard copy.  I will be printing it out and starting the study this week with my boys .  Once again, I need to be intentional.  Thank you, Lord that you can redirect me with a single verse.  Please continue to draw me into Your presence and to keep my eyes on You!

child desired form

Yesterday Eman and I filled out our Child Desired Form finally!  It was a bit of a dreaded form to fill out.  I thought it was going to be hard to decide what to say yes, no, maybe to.  But, it turned out to be easier than I thought.  I had been praying all week that the Lord would give us wisdom on what to check - now we need wisdom to know who is our child.  This was the scripture I got this morning on my daily scripture email: 

He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food 

will also supply and increase your store of seed 

and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:10

I love the unexpected encouragement and reminder that the Lord is in charge of this, not us!  He will be the one enlarging our family.

Too long...

It has been so long since I have done anything on here..  Apparently nothing of consequence has happened?  Which is so not true.  John had a birthday, we have had an amazing summer, we had a mini vacation, I had a birthday, school started..  So much, so little time or desire right now.  I think I may just upload photos and maybe do a little blurb or something.  But, right now, I had to share a funny that happened tonight on the way home from church.  Wednesday night services are quite a bit different from Sunday morning.  For one,, they are way more chaotic and for two the kids learn a memory verse.  Johns verse was the one about hiding Gods word in our hearts (I don't know the reference).  He told me the whole verse on the way home and so I started asking him questions about what the verse meant.  He told me that if we hide Gods word in our hearts then we won't sin against Him.  So I asked how do you hide Gods word in your heart?  He said, you put your bible under your shirt right next to your heart so it is hidden!  Oh, I couldn't help myself this time, and laughed out loud!  My son comes up with some funny things, but this one was one of the best.  Of course, I further explained to him that it meant learning and memorizing bible verses and keeping them in our hearts to help us know the right thing to do so we don't win against God.
Later, in the Walmart parking lot, we were talking about the funny (stinky) smell.  I told them it was the smell of manure and jacob said it smelled like flash and smitty (my parents dogs). They are 100% outside dogs that live in a kennel.  They live in western WA so get "bathed" regularly by the rain.  Really, they stink.  Long story, but flash is technically on loan to my parents and has just never come back home.  Jacob asked why he couldn't come back.  He said he thought coco, our German shepherd, needed puppies.  I asked why would we need flash?  Jake says (with LOTS of eyebrow wiggles and dramatic pauses), you know, so they can be... Husband and wife...? And... Have puppies...!
Seriously, the things my boys come up with sometimes..! They are funny kids and keep me on my toes!
I think babies are on their brain, though, because my brother and sister in law had their first baby today!  I am an auntie!!  I cannot wait to see him, and hear what his name is.  Apparently they have not yet decided.  They decided to be fun and not find out what they were having early and, of course, not share any of their name ideas.  Talk about party poopers!  All that aside, I am sure he his going to be adorable.  We will get to see him in the flesh, next weekend.  Yay!

1 Corinthians for Mother's

If I keep my house immaculately clean, and am envied by all for my interior decorating, but do not show love in my family -- I am just another housewife.

If I'm always producing lovely things - sewing, art; if I always look attractive, and speak intelligently, but am not loving to my family -- I am nothing.

If I'm busy in community affairs, teach Sunday School, and drive in the carpool, but fail to give adequate love to my family -- I gain nothing.

Love changes diapers, cleans up messes, and ties shoes - over and over again.

Love is kind, though tired and frazzled.

Love doesn't envy another woman -- one whose children are "spaced" better, or in school so she has time to pursue her own interests.

Love doesn't try to impress others with my abilities or knowledge as a mother.

Love doesn't scream at the kids.

Love doesn't feel cheated because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do today -- sew, read, soak in a hot tub.

Love doesn't lose my temper easily.

Love doesn't assume that my children are being naughty just because their noise level is irritating.

Love doesn't rejoice when other people's children misbehave and make mine look good.

Love is genuinely happy when others are honored by their children.

 

I saw this on fb and thought I would share..  

wait and trust..

Life has been a little bit crazy for me and it is mostly my own fault...  Well, and just because "normal" life has been changed and now has a new face. 

Last week Eman started his first week (of six) on night shift.  He has been stressed out to the MAX with learning his new position and we were hoping the nights would be a little bit easier and/or provide a small break from the craziness of days.  Apparently that isnt working out like we were wanting.  Because of that, Eman comes home mentally fried and ready to veg and go to bed.  This leaves me with a build up of "life still continues forward" stress to deal with on my own (or at least that is how i was feeling).  Of course, it doesnt help that i am getting ready to start my monthly delight and am just a touch hormonal and cranky. 

We had requested the file of a super cute, lively little boy a few weeks ago.  LL put a hold on it for us so no other family could sneak him out from under us.  There is normally a time limit on those holds, but since no one else was looking, we had an extended visit.  Eman and I wanted to have a Dr review his file to see if there were any red flags or just physical issues we should be aware of.  I decided to not take the file to our Pediatrician right away and instead wait for the boys scheduled appointment which was the next week.  I figured that if this boy was supposed to be ours, then it wouldnt matter when the Dr looked at his file.  This little boy has an amazingly complete file, compared to the other ones we have seen.  All appearances make him appear to be perfect.  I gave our Dr the boy's file while we were there.  On Monday, I got an email from LL that there were a couple families interested in seeing the boy's file.  I hadnt heard back from the Dr yet, so called him the next day.  His assistant called me back later in the afternoon to tell me the Dr had reviewed the file, but that there were no notes.  Instead she asked that I bring back his file once we were back to the US so they could scan it into their system.  I explained to her that we werent sure that we were going to adopt him and what my hopes for the Dr were.  She didnt really know what to say, so told me to come pick up my paperwork whenever I could. 

That night, I told Eman what I had found out from the Dr (i.e. nothing) and that we needed to give LL an answer about this little boy.  If it was no, then we would lose our "hold" and  the other families would be able to see the file.  This "conversation" quickly turned into an arguement (due to the above information/circumstances).  While I had been praying for this little boy, I hadnt really been seeking the Lord's will with him.  And, as it turns out, neither had Eman.  In fact, when I told him that we needed to make a decision on this little boy, he said "Who?" 

Making a quick decision to say yes, was not something Eman felt comfortable doing.  So, the next morning, I sent LL a text letting them know our decision (no) and to please share this little boy's file with the other families. 

Bottom line in this circumstance (and seems to be the recurring theme throughout this whole process) is I need to trust and wait.  This means that I need to stop looking at the waiting children pictures on the LL website.  Instead, Eman and I need to fill out the proper paperwork and let God choose our child for us.  That is the way things are supposed to happen, after all, right?  If I am truly submitting to the Lord's will, then I need to let HIM make the decisions rather than the other way around.  This is what happened when He gave us the children we have now - we had no control in who and what they were.

I read the first 5 chapters of Genesis the other morning (the same morning that I told LL what our decision was).  Those chapters are all about the Creation of the world and EVERYTHING that is in/on it.  I was wondering why these were the chapters that I was reading - but now it makes sense to me.  I can try to make the decisions and be in control of my life, but will it compare to how my life would look if I really, honestly allowed the God of all creation to have control?  He is able and will create (if He hasnt already) the perfect child for our family.  We have no control in who/what this child is, just in the same manner as before.  We need to only trust in His desire for good for us.  Good does not always mean easy and I just need to trust and wait.

i love my kids.

there are days when i am just overwhelmed with love for my kids and today is one of them.  they have not done anything particularly special or sweet.  they have just been their normal, happy selves.  and, i just love them.  my heart feels like it could bust right open and little heart confetti would spill out all over the place.  thank you, Lord, for my boys!

on a completely different note, here are some excerpts that have really been speaking to my heart from the book i am reading - 1000 gifts by ann voskamp:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in the God; trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV).  I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms.  Trust, its the antithesis of stress.  "Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord" (Psalm 40:4.  But how to learn trust like that?  Can tryst be conjured up simply by sheer will, on command?  I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust, to gut-believe in the good touch of God toward me, because its true: I cant fill with joy until I learn how to trust: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow" (Romans 15;13 NIV).  The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace.

If I believe, then I must let go and trust.  Why do I stress?  Belief in God has to be more than mental assent, more than a cliched exercise in cognition.  Even the demons believe (James 2:19).  What is saving belief if it isn't the radical dare to wholly trust?

Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment, without an active, moment-by-moment trust in the good news of an all-sovereign, all-good God, how can we claim to fully believe?  This is the trust I lack: to know that if disaster strikes, He carries me even there.  Trust in the wholeness of the gospel - including this moment, good news too - and be saved.  Choose stress, worry, anxiety, reject what God has given now, which is good news too - refuse to trust - and be condemned.

If authentic, saving belief is the act of trusting, then to choose stress is an act of disbelief ... atheism.  Anything less than gratitude and trust is practical atheism.

If I deep trusted God in all the facets of my life, wouldn't that deep heal my anxiety, my self-condemnation, my soul holes?
The fear is suffocating, terrorizing, and I want the remedy, and it is trust.  Trust is everything.
If fear keeps our lives small, does a life that receives all of God in this moment grow large too?

This book is really good - If you ha vent read it, you should.  The end.

money

Eman and I are trying to tidy up our finances in anticipation of our family growing and the economy worsening.  So, in Dave Ramsey form, we are selling stuff to get rid of debt.  On a bit of a whim, we decided to put my sweet lil Honda Civic on CL Friday.  We had a call on it within an hour.  A deal was made and the car was sold by the next morning!  Neither of us were thinking it would go away so quickly, but it did.  We have our truck also on CL, hoping it will sell too.  We owe a chunk on it and are ready to be done with car payments.  So, now we are in the process of looking for a larger vehicle that will fit our growing family and hoping that we can pay cash for it.  We have a prospect in an older burb that has a ton of miles on it but we would have $ left over to use on other bills - Eman is nervous about this vehicle though.  He really wants to buy a different vehicle that would take all of our $ plus a bit..  I am thinking lets wait a little bit longer and not be in a rush.  Anyone of you few readers know of a vehicle that will get us over the mountain passes and will fit a family of 5 (sometimes 6 when I have Ellie) plus all of our stuff?  I am totally open to a reliable mini..  Blah.

On another note, we had a fundraiser today selling Kettle Korn at Wally World.  Eman and I stayed pretty busy all day long.  We had a couple of guys show up to help us out, which was SO nice!  But, I was pleasantly surprised at how fast the day went by.  I had sent a prayer request out to a couple of gals that God would grant Eman and I big bladders and He totally did.  We both got a food/potty break when our first helper came mid morning - interestingly, I wasnt hungry all day.  I ate around lunch time just because I knew I should, not because I wanted to eat.  I didnt even finish my sandwich.  Our second helper came about 15-20 minutes after Eman texted me that he needed to go to the bathroom REALLY bad.  Eman came and gave me a break before heading home to let our dog out to take a break.  When we were all finished and I climbed into the truck, was when my tummy told me that I was hungry and tired.  I am so thankful that my Lord helped me out with all of the necessaries! 

I had several people come by that had either adopted (from china), been adopted or had family members that had adopted.  One older lady told me about her trips to China that her son had taken her on when the son went to pick up children.  Another mom told me that she had adopted 4 kids from China, bought a bag of popcorn and then sent her kids back to me with a donation!  I almost started crying in front of the kids but held it together until they had gone back to the car.  And, of course, I had a couple of people ask me - why China?  why not here?  Both times I got to tell them that we felt like God was telling us to adopt from China.  Neither of these people really wanted to go further on that topic, but did continue to talk to me about the good of adopting from the US and their experiences.  ;)  Another gal, asked me what my name was because she while she wasnt able to give me any money she did want to pray for me.  I told her my name and said that prayer was just as important, if not more, as money.  She didnt know if she agreed with prayer being more important than money though.  I told her that it was - we are supposed to be in prayer for everything which includes asking the Lord to provide for our needs in this adoption (among everything else). She mentioned something about Isaiah 11, but I am not really sure what she meant.  I have read the verses and they are referring to end times stuff, I think - but, the first four verses are pretty cool, talking about the Spirit of the Lord - the Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel and might, knowledge and fear of the Lord.  All of these things are what Eman and I need and I pray that the Lord will give us these as we make decisions on what to do with our $.. 

Thank you Lord, for taking care of us today!

part 2

after having a cry and a "why, God?" session, i tried to settle down on the couch to watch the gladiator - great movie, but just couldnt do it.  i turned off the tv and instead started to read 1000 gifts.  she has been talking about hardship and grief in this chapter.  She references Deut 32:39 and it has been salve on my heart today.. "See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life.  I have wounded and it is I who heal"  
She later references part of Lamentations 3:33.  I wanted to read the whole verse and ended up reading the whole chapter.  The first part of the chapter Jeremiah is complaining that the Lord has shut him down and is not even hearing his prayers, but in vs 11, he says,"He has turned me off my ways and pulled me in pieces; He has made me desolate."  Jesus has taken him (me) off his intended path and broken him (me) down to see that he (I) is nothing without Jesus.  Because we are so stubborn, we have to be desolate before we can recognize our need.  Verses 12 & 13 say: He has bent His bow and set me as a mark for the arrow.  He has caused the arrows of His quiver to enter into my heart.  God has a plan for me!  He wants His will to become my own - to replace the thoughts, desires and plans that are in my heart with His!  They are infinitely better, even if painful to start.  Verses 21 - 23: But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation: It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.  (Thank Goodness!)  I just need to remember these next verses. 24 - 33: The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being; therefore will I hope in His and wait expectantly for Him.  The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him.  It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth.  Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent (in hope), because God has laid the yoke upon him.  Let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope.  Let him give his cheek to the one who smites him; let him be filled with reproach.  For the Lord will not cast off forever!  But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving kindness and tender mercy.  For He does not willingly and from His heart afflict or grieve the children of men.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are faithful and that you have amazing things planned out for my life!

I am really struggling this afternoon with our decision about jie..  my heart is really hurting for him.  are we really supposed to leave him in china and not bring him home?  i dont think this heart break is right.  am i hurting today because he really is our son and i am mourning his loss?  am i hurting because we made a decision in our flesh but we are really supposed to stay the course?  did we make the right decision?  i dont know.  i need confirmation, Lord!  i need your arms of comfort cause this really sucks.  i desperately want the dr to be wrong in her diagnosis.  i want to go get him and find that while he is very delayed, with time, he will grow and recover, if not wholly then significantly.
i dont want to work hard for eman to get his bmi to where china deems it an appropriate number.  am i working in my strength, Lord, and not trusting you?  it feels like it right now - everything just feels hard.  i need your strength.  i need your guidance and direction.  i feel like i am floundering right now and it is really scary.  i want to run away and not do this anymore.  it hurts too much.  it is too hard.  i dont like it, Lord.  Please, Jesus, scoop me up and hold me close cause i cant do it on my own...

so quiet...

Today is Eman's first official day working on his new squad.  I am excited to have him home and to hear how his day went.  I have also been praying off and on that he would learn quickly how to deal with jail life all over again.  He will be working the day shift for a few weeks so will need to learn at a pretty fast pace.  His squad will switch to nights at the end of the month (which is gonna stink) which will allow him to review and cement what he has learned at a much slower pace.
The boys slept over with Grandpa and Granny last night and are still there now - It is SO quiet here!  I love having my boys home, listening to their play and conversations.  Dont get me wrong, I have enjoyed the time here at home by myself, but I am ready for them to be home.  :)  And really, it is not quiet because I have pandora blasting worship music in the background.
I got to stay in bed this morning until 10, reading my bible and drinking coffee.  It was nice to read without interuptions.  I havent gotten much more than the kitchen cleaned in the past hour either..  Feeling a little bit lazy.
I was talking with my friend the other day about raising our kids as Christian homeschoolers vs public school students.  We are both thankful to be able to have control over our children's friendships and learning.  I was raised in an environment similar to what my kids are in now (minus homeschool) and now tend to struggle connecting my head knowledge of Christ and what He has done for me with my heart.  I had a good life growing up, never needing or having hard ship.  My parents were good at keeping any of their struggles shielded from us.  On the one hand, I think that what they did is good, but on the other hand, I think it was a bit of a disservice to us kids.  Without seeing my parents struggle and trust the Lord to provide for us as a family, made the habit in my head of also not trusting the Lord to provide in the day to day.  I am not sure how to break that habit and allow my boys to see it.  Is it really as easy as just praying daily with them and asking the Lord to help us to trust Him to provide? 
I know it is important to not shield our boys from the realities of the world, allowing what they can handle/process.  But, do they need to be IN the world to see those realities?  Can they not look from the outside and see the consequences of decisions to not live for Jesus?  They are getting a small taste walking through the adoption with us, by seeing people pan handle on the street (this breaks John's heart - he just doesnt understand why they would choose to live that way!) and knowing about jail life through talking with Daddy about jail/inmates.
I read Proverbs 4 today and it talked about listening to our parents wisdom, to seek out Godly wisdom - vs 4 He taught me and said to me, Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live. vs 5 Get skillful and Godly Wisdom, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation); do not forget and do not turn back from the words of my mouth..  This whole chapter is my prayer for not only myself but also for my boys.  Is there any way that they can hold onto Your truths, Lord, without having to taste the world personally, to just skip the prodigal son experience? 
Teach me how to live my struggles out loud and in front of my boys.  Help me not to be private with them, to shove them down in order to forget about them.  Let me (and Eman) be an example of how to live our lives on fire for You even when there is nothing left to burn.  Let us not deny You in fear, like Peter.  Give us courage to live openly and publicly.  I pray our boys do the same!

Jacob's 5th birthday weekend

We had lots of fun last weekend to celebrate Jacob.  His birthday was on Friday, July 20, but we started out the festivities on Thursday night.  We planned to go swimming first at our favorite pool, but a lightening storm changed that plan.  Instead, we went to Dairy Queen for some french fries and ice cream instead.  Jacob stuck his fries into his cone and sang himself happy birthday.  He was loving every second of the attention!  Before we left, he asked me to tell him to close his eyes when we got to DQ so it could be a surprise - little does he know...!

Friday (his birthday) we went to a our friend's house.  The original plan was to meet at McD's for lunch and playground time, but there has been hand, foot, mouth going around, so we got lunch to go, picked up some cupcakes and party at their house instead.  Mama and daughter strung some crepe paper and put some star wars decor out.  We sang happy birthday two more times.  Again, he was loving all the attention.  When we got home, Jacob started to complain about not having a birthday party - what did we just do, child?!

I had planned a little surprise party for mister Jacob.  John and I went ahead to meet the friends while Jake was blindfolded and rode with Daddy.  The boys hid in anticipation of yelling SURPRISE! 

We took the boys to see the movie Brave.  I brought candy in my bag, like a good mama, bought everyone a big bucket of popcorn and lemonade to share.  Because the kook in CO decided to go on a shooting rampage, the cute (maybe) 16 yo movie attendant had to look into my purse to make sure I wasnt carrying in a gun.  However, she failed to notice the candy or the other thing I had in there...  Maybe she just wasnt sure what to do so decided to do nothing.  (Made me feel very reassured. Lol)  ANYHOW..!  The boys all loved the movie, except for the scary part close to the end.  Jacob started crying and buried his face in my chest.  I convinced him to look right at the part that made the scary part worth it.  He recovered and decided that he really did like the movie just not the scary part.

We did some good swimming Sunday (skipped church because of the aforementioned yucky germs) at our favorite pool.  John jumped off the diving board AND went down the slide for the first time.  He was so brave!  And, now he cannot get enough of the diving board.  ;)  Later our friends came over for marshmallows.  A good, stiff wind came up, out of nowhere (normal for TC) and made the whole fire thing difficult.  Daddy used his ingenuity and built a brick cage for the fire.  It was a little tricky to roast our marshmallows, but we made it work!

Two of the cute kids are missing - busy eating s'mores maybe?  It was a pretty fabulous weekend, I must say.  I think I like this kind of focus on the kid more than the crazy birthday parties.  It was fun to celebrate with lots of fun family stuff, with some friends thrown in for kicks.  I think Jacob had a lot of fun too...

We will do it all over again in a month for the bigger boy!  I cant wait...  :)